March News in a Nutshell: Time-Traveling Congress and 'The Bible'

3/2: A pall falls over 99% of the land. The sequester begins. Congress leaves town early for Sequester/Semester Break.

3/2: Some people will do anything to avoid changing diapers. Yahoo! CEO, Marissa Mayer, decrees no more working from home! In an effort to assuage dissension among workers, she opens Romper Room for Robots.

3 /4: Good Morning America covers the couturier dog show. Something’s burning in Rome and it’s not just papal ballots.

3/7: So, I just know that Marissa and Big Brother Mark got together for drinks to figure out a way to distract us gerbils from the obscene profits they’re making. “I know,” Mark said, “Let’s make Facebook more like a ‘personalized newspaper,’ and plaster ads all over their News Feeds and timelines.” And Marissa replied, “And I’ll totally change Yahoo!’s homepage so it looks like Facebook page!” This, in response to increasing Facebook fatigue. True American genius at work.

3/8: Dennis Rodman disarms North Korea with a basketball. His immortal words: “Give the kid a break; he’s only 28.”

3/9: Daylight Saving Time. Congress gets it all mixed up and sets the country back one decade.

3/9: BOOKS. Facebook Chief Operating Officer, Sheryl Sandburg, launches her book, Lean In, revealing the key to having it all: finding a spouse who will share in household duties (writing checks to the nanny, maid, cook, chauffeur, gardener), and how she keeps the romance alive in her marriage—a billion dollar paycheck and stock options.

3/10: MORE BOOKS. “A Story of God and All of Us,” a novel based on the TV series, “The Bible,” which was based on a popular handout at Easter time, hits Publishers Weekly Hardcover Fiction list. The book resulted from a soul-searching weekend in Palm Springs with the creator of Shark Tank. Buyers of the audio tape were heard to comment, “Way easier to dance to than the original version and none of those hard moves.” Interviewed at the book’s debut, Suze Orman says she’s recently started studying the Bible herself and has even taken financial tips from it. The Bible—something in it for everyone. I did not make this up. Well, only the dance part.*

3/14: Results of the papal election are in: Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio is elected Pope. A recount may be imminent; not everyone was up-to-speed on his Latin.

3/15: CPAC convenes. In a preemptive strike, Donald Trump demands to see the Pope's birth certificate to prove that he did not descend from heaven…just in case. Gearing up for next time, previous presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, states, “My failing was not appealing to the Hispanics,” and opens a chain of gourmet burrito shops. Everything is 99 cents…unless it’s 47 cents.

3/16: America - still a frontier. Congress returns from whatever planet they’ve been on to lead the nation in observance of the Easter Season by pulling nets of red herrings from the sea. CSPAN fills in the Easter break with reruns of Oz.

3/17: CNN, giving new depth to “on air,” interviews Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose contract at “The View” may not be renewed. Because,you know, it’s scary taking the news seriously.  

3/19: COMMODITIES. The price of oil drops. Submitting to demands from Congress to justify this aberration, oil traders reveal their algorithm for determining the barrel price: two steps forward, one step back. Copper drops due to the doubling of inventory, which correlates with the boom in the copper wire cottage industry revived by the early release of felons due to prison overcrowding.

3/19: SPORTS. The NCAA Tournament begins. Basketball, right?Then why isn’t there a “B” in it?!

3/24: San Francisco School Board observes that few schools are saying the Pledge of Allegiance. To keep kids engaged, the Board has come up with a multiple choice “Have It Your Way Pledge of Allegiance”:

• I pledge allegiance to: (a) the United States of
  America; (b) creating a killer android app; (c) beer
• And to the Republic for which it: (a) stands;
  (b) doesn’t stand;  (c) all of the above
• One nation under: (a) God; (b) water; (c) threat
  of nuclear attack
• With liberty and justice for: (a) all; (b)
  reality show contestants; (c) define “justice”

3/25: CBS This Morning postulates that the huge success of “The Bible” miniseries might actually replace physical attendance at church. That thought launched into the universe resurrects Tammy Faye Baker to found The Church of What’s Happening Now.

3/31: The sequester. Can you feel it now?

*I am very fond of the real Bible.

Read more from Cathy Turney at ALittleBitOff.net.